seven days

Hey everyone! I AM SEVEN DAYS AWAY FROM LEAVING!!! WHATTTT???!!!!

When I originally started this blog, I did it to not only share my adventure across the sea, but to also be as transparent and real as possible. I haven’t gotten to blog as much as I would like because well….life…but I hope to blog everyday for the next week.

Okay, going back to what I started with…I AM SEVEN DAYS OUT PEOPLE!! SEVEN DAYS!! & I have a WHOLE lot of prep and packing to go. (PRAYERS FOR A PROCRASTINATOR)

Anyways, here goes day one prayer request…

SEVEN DAYS AWAY

When I woke up this morning, I was thinking about how to exactly pin down what my heart feels and what my heart is asking from the Father as I am a week out. Over the past several weeks, I have really been thinking about how desperately I want to do and be all that God wants me to be this summer. My friend Taylor Anne, who herself has done summer missions, told me whatever I do, make sure I’m “all there”. I’ve thought about that a lot as there has been lots of spiritual warfare with the approaching departure date. Lots of things Satan would love to make me worry about and stress over both before I leave and while I’m there. So I’ve been praying that whatever I do, whether that is to serve with the women doing the Life Beads or with the school kids or any of the other amazing things going on in Uganda, to BE ALL THERE. To, as Auburn likes to say, be “all in”. No matter what I know or think is going on back stateside or what is going on around me African side….I am praying to be all in…all there…I would love and appreciate nothing more than for you to join me in that prayer. That God would put a bubble of protection around my heart and mind! To be focused on the beautiful task ahead of me 🙂

Dear sweet Jesus,

Whatever you call me to do….Please give me the strength to be all there.

 

SEVEN DAYS PEOPLE!!!

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32.6099 N, 85.4808 W: all the feels

As my departure date approaches, the saying “all the feels” has taken on a whole new meaning. Seriously, I go through every emotion known to man in a day…sometimes even in an hour. (I’m not kidding..you could ask my pal, Ellett, and she would totally validate and confirm this statement.)

Let me first say, there is SO much excitement in my heart. OMG I’M PUMPED..and so humbled that God would call me to “such a time as this”.

But oh my gosh there is some fear, anxiety, and worry that Satan is shoveling (with a dump truck) my way.

Ironically, the biggest hit Satan has taken to my readiness is not the forever flight, the total culture shock, or the lack of McDonalds but the worrying about when I return from Uganda.

I’ve been fighting this horrible fear of being forgotten while I’m gone…of missing things this summer and memories with the people stateside. Of coming back to America and having to start all the way back over in Auburn with not a soul to share life with. It’s really the only fear that has made me crumble to pieces. Because life is good right now…I have the most amazing coworkers and the best small group sisters. I’m scared that time will change it all.

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& if I ever doubted that God hears the cry of my heart even when I can’t find the words to explain it, I am certain, positive that He does now.

Today I received a package…(Let me stop and say that snail mail, package or letter, is the way to my heart <333333)…My friend Hannah had told me that she was sending me something and so I excitedly texted her telling her I think her package was here. I opened the box & pulled out a beautiful bracelet with what I thought was the coordinates to Uganda on it. Little did I know it would be even more intentional. She had already told me that she would have to explain it, so I waited with tears already forming at the sheer thoughtfulness of my friend as a bubble with three little dots sat at the bottom of our iMessage thread. This is what the thread said…

Hannah: it’s auburn’s coordinates ❤

Hannah: it’s aluminum, so it won’t tarnish

Hannah: so you can wear it out to africa and know you have a place to come home to

*a couple messages down*

Hannah: i was gonna do an africa thing, but i wanted you to leave with a physical reminder of where/who you’re coming home to

Yall……do I not have the most amazing, kind-hearted friend……

do I not serve the most sovereign, gentle, intentional God…..

In Isaiah 58:11 it reads, “The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength.” Thank you Jesus for not only guiding me, but watering me when I was dry…when I felt the lifelessness of fear, his blessings pour down like rain….GOD IS GOOD! Where God guides, God provides.

UGH! ALL THE FEELS!!!!!

Goodness, Hannah Harkins, you are such a vessel for Christ. What a JOY it is to be fighting for the Kingdom with you…what a JOY it is to consider you a friend….all my love….

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stay tuned

yall…..I JUST WANT TO TYPE THIS POST TO TELL ALL OF YOU TO STAY TUNED BECAUSE GOD IS ABOUT TO MOVE IN AN AMAZING WAY. I DON’T KNOW HOW OR WHEN OR ANYTHING ELSE, BUT JUST THAT HE IS ABOUT TO SHOW UP AND SHOW OUT!!!

if one thing has been difficult or gone wrong as I prepare for Africa….A MILLION THINGS HAVE GONE WRONG…..seriously, anything and everything. Nothing too major has happened….and everything has eventually worked out…BUT EVERYTHING HAS BEEN DIFFICULT.

S T R E S S. P A N I C. A N X I E T Y.

I got in my car yesterday from getting some of my shots for Africa and a very stressful doctor’s appointment, & all of the sudden, this sense of urgency, passion, excitement, and zeal overcame me. (Let me pause and reiterate that the difficulty of the doctor’s appointment is probably the 24851981745 “little” speed bump that has occurred in the process of preparing for this mission trip. & it was followed up today with more rounds of stress and difficulty in trying to obtain my medicine for malaria prevention)

What I’ve learned is…..

SATAN HAS TO SIT DOWN.

What I know is that Satan is frantic right now. He is causing difficulty with finances, with nerves, with anxiety over next school year because I will be gone all summer, with getting the correct immunizations and medicines, and with fear over leaving my family (just to name a few.) He is doing EVERYTHING he can to stress me out and beat me down. BUT SATAN SIT DOWN DUDE! 

Satan is working so hard to try to crumble me because I KNOW God is about to do something HUGE. Not because of me, but because of Him. AND SO SATAN…COME AT ME…Because with every speed bump you bring, it just makes me more enthralled with anticipation and so much more expectant for the HUGE work God is going to do! YOU DON’T WIN SATAN! NOT TODAY! NOT TOMORROW!

Just wanted to give you a little update so that yall could be just as pumped and expectant as I am when God blows us away.

SERIOUSLY STAY TUNED!!!! YALL JUST WAIT!

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you’re too much

“You’re too emotional.”

“You’re too clingy.”

“You’re too sensitive.”

“You care way too much.”

“You’re overreacting.”

I have carried these five statements and replayed them a million and one times in my head until I have allowed these five things to be the guiding light of how I view myself. Of how I “knew” (thought) other people viewed me. These “facts” became the definition of Ander. They became this because I heard these things. More than once. By people who I love, cherish, and considered friends. I’ve heard these statements all my life….& so I began something as early as the age of 15. I began loathing the tenderness of my heart. I began trying to be the tough girl (but tbh never could pull this one off lol) in front of people and the total mental mess full of meltdowns when I closed my bedroom door. Basically…I FORCED MYSELF TO TRY TO BECOME SOMEONE I’M NOT.

Because of my lack of appreciation, value, or love for myself, anxiety to meet people, anxiety to make deep relationships, anxiety to allow myself to become attached was what I have battled with for years. YEARS! So I have felt and lived in loneliness. & I know I have missed opportunities, amazing opportunities, because I was too scared to just introduce myself. Because I thought I knew what they would say after spending a few hours with me. They would say…

“You’re too emotional.”

“You’re too clingy.”

“You’re too sensitive.”

“You care way too much.”

“You’re overreacting.”

So I have avoided friendships and relationships. I have spent years continuing to fuel up and add onto the fire of self hatred. Like seriously yall….my self worth is in the negatives….like it might be lower than Canada in the winter. Can I tell you how I walk if I am alone in public….with my phone to my ear pretending to talk to someone just to avoid eye contact with people…YALL…HOW EMBARRASSING. (If people didn’t think I was a crazy yet, you do now haha). Nights of tears upon tears of just wanting to be “normal”. Of just wanting to not care and not feel emotions. I have prayed to be numb and to not let anything effect me. This has been me…a girl with a self worth deficit…for years.

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I have always yearned for “my people”. I find it only the humor of God that I finished the tv show Friends on Netflix in February. The whole time I was watching I kept thinking, “man, having a group of friends who always are there for you looks like so much fun.” I’ve just never felt that. DON’T GET ME WRONG, I have been blessed with a few sweet friendships. But I’ve never felt like I had that “girl gang”. & I’ve truly never felt like I’ve had many people that I could call every night for a solid week and bawl my eyes out over the same situation, and they would not get tired of it. Remember….I was branded with “you’re too emotional. you’re too sensitive. you’re overreacting”. I’ve always desired a friendship that would GLADLY carry my cross when I just couldn’t. Like my Jesus friend, Alex, says I’ve always desired friends that live by the rule “show up for your people”.

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I joined a Highlands small group this semester. & I had a full on anxiety attack and breakdown before going to the very first meeting. WALKING INTO A PLACE I DIDN’T KNOW WITH A GROUP OF GIRLS???!! NO!!!! I’d rather stay home and grade papers (& let me be the first to tell you…grading papers is DREADFUL.) A girl I knew from college was going to the small group….and if it hadn’t been for her presence, I don’t think I would have followed God’s voice to go.

THANK THE GOOD LORD THAT I WENT because my life and my heart have FOREVER been changed.

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First and foremost, I now have the best support system this side of the Mason Dixon. I would not have made it through this semester, through painful nights of tears, through losing my granddad, and through daddy being rushed to the hospital had it not been for “my people”. 🙂

& then there is Africa. No way would I feel the joy, excitement, peace, or encouragement to go to Africa without my girls. NO WAY. God has used each of them to confirm, reconfirm, give peace, lift up, and get excited with. Each of them have been such a huge tool in “this time for which I have been created”. Each one of them will be carried daily in my heart and mind when I am living in Uganda.

More than all of that, these girls have loved me well and because of that I have learned to love myself well. They have loved me for ME. Not for the definition that I have branded myself with or some charade I have tried to put on…but the definition that God, the true author of the dictionary, created for me. They have chosen me…despite knowing my pain….despite seeing my tears…despite hearing my struggles…despite witnessing my flaws…they have CHOSEN to look at me and GLADLY…let me say that again…GLADLY carry my cross. I am so blessed. They have looked at the tenderness of my heart and cherished it. They have told me of their thankfulness for it. & for the first time since being 15 years old…I love it. I love my emotional, easily broken heart. I love that I wear my feelings on my sleeve because it means people and things matter. It means I’m not out of tune with the world around me. It means I’m invested and passionate about something. My amazing friend Hannah (who I got through this small group) says “pain and hurt just mean your heart’s beating.” & it does. It means I’m here, I’m present in the situations surrounding me, and that I’m surrounded by things that matter.

 

This post can’t accurately put into words the healing that God has done in my life through meeting “my tribe”. The joy, laugher, and tears I have gotten to share. God is so incredibly faithful and beautiful. He has given me the most amazing sisters in Christ to do life with. Seriously, they are amazing. If I have learned one thing this semester, it’s this….seek and don’t give up until you find the Naomi to your Ruth and the Elisha to your Elijah. Seek and find and don’t settle for friendships that aren’t blowing up your phone to speak life into you. Be brave. Find these Jesus freak, precious friendships that can heal your heart, that can change your life, that can give you so much joy. Find them and fight for them.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..To my people, my tribe, my sisters in Christ,

These words FAIL in accurately describing how much you mean to me and how much you have impacted me. Each of you have humbled yourself and allowed God to use you as a vessel to break so many chains of self hatred in my life. Thank you. Thank you for laughing with me, for crying with me, for sharing with me, for listening to me, for accepting me, for teaching me, for trusting me, for praying for me, for challenging me, and for loving me. You each have forever changed the course of my life and the beat of my heart. You have allowed me to finally reach the top of a deep, deep pool of water I have been drowning in for years. You went down and got me and then held my head above water until I could swim on my own. You’ll never know the impact you have had. Thank you for being my friends, true friends. For choosing an overly emotional and sensitive girl to pour into. Thank you for giving me the courage, the prayers, the strength, and the encouragement to follow God’s call to Africa. Thank you for doing life with me. Thank you for giving me the confidence that I now have friendships that will be fought for…that will be cherished…that will be valued. I want you to know how much it meant to me to hear that you wanted to know when I would be back from Africa so that yall could be at the airport. It doesn’t matter if it actually happens or not…it’s just the sheer fact that you all took the time to think that far ahead of me. Thank you for loving me. I can’t wait until we stand face to face with Jesus one day and he can accurately describe and tell you the amazing things you have done in my life. Thank you. Thank you for being my family. Thank you for teaching me how to love me. I can only hope I can continue to love each of you half as well as you have loved me. Joey Palermo once said, “I believe in the kind of love that doesn’t demand me to prove my worth and sit in anxiety. I crave a natural connection, where my soul is able to recognize a feeling of home in another. Something free-flowing, something simple. Something that allows me to be me without questions…” You guys and your love are this. 

Forever grateful,

Ander

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{^^^^AIN’T EVEN ALL MY BLESSINGS}

Lay Down My Palm Branches

I’ve been trying to find the words {and time} to write this post for about a week and a half now. If you haven’t figured it out by now, words and writing is one of my favorite things to do. I use to be able to express myself through dance, but after having to give that up, I have found such a joy and love in expressing myself through words. I so enjoy sharing the things that God is graciously teaching me. Today, God said “Girl….I’ve been trying to tell you to write for days….COME ON” all while also putting another confirmation of the things I’m going to share with you.

So many of you have come up to me since hearing of my plans for Africa this summer and said “I am so excited for you! It’s going to be amazing”, and let me first say THANK YOU! Thank you for encouraging me and confirming this call! I am so excited too!!! But in the same breath, can I tell you what I really want to say back to you….what my heart and mind and head are all screaming at the same time of my utter excitement….I want to scream “I AM TERRIFIED. I AM SO SCARED. HELP ME!”

Don’t take that as me not wanting to go….I fully know that I have been “created for such a time as this”. I fully know that for the past three years God has been preparing my heart and life for this exact summer. So don’t take it that I don’t want to go….but yall…..I. AM. SCARED. THE. FEAR. IS. REAL. DUDE.

I cannot tell you how many times I have woken up between the hours of 2 and 4 since learning I am going and being in complete and total fear. I cannot tell you how many times I have thought about days without hearing my parent’s voices (okay, I’m a homebody and I’m not ashamed) and just wanted to crumble. And it doesn’t even stop at that….YALL FUNDRAISING IS SO HARD. Can I tell you the most humbling thing…asking people for money. IT.IS.HARD. Hard because that is money that people have poured their heart, soul, and time into making. And traveling and living in Africa for a summer is NOT cheap. So yall…..I HAVE BEEN OVERWHELMED….TO SAY THE LEAST.

& in the midst of it all, I find that I have to get over my fear and succumb to the peace, His peace, that washes over me because HE IS JUST THAT GOOD. He is just that powerful that I can’t resist it! He is just that good, faithful, and sovereign to cover my days with His fingerprints so that I know I can trust Him. So that I know I can keep walking.

He did one of those things yesterday…..

Yall, yesterday I was driving back from being with my dad in the hospital and I had a come apart….A COME APART, PEOPLE! HOW IN THE WORLD WAS I GOING TO RAISE A FEW THOUSAND DOLLARS IN JUST A MONTH AND A HALF! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? WHAT WAS I THINKING? I’M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO MAKE IT!

**I made it home safely despite being dramatic** I pulled into the driveway of my parent’s house, and I happened to sit in the car for a few minutes. I had a few envelopes of mail that I had gotten from my mailbox before I left Auburn. Let me just take a moment to stop and say that I am HORRIBLE at reading my mail. If it isn’t from a friend then I don’t really pay much attention to it. It normally ends in up in the trash. But for some reason, I opened this “bill-like” looking envelope. It was a check….a twenty dollar check from some teaching thing. I have no idea what it’s for or why I have it. But it was a check. I know what you’re thinking….twenty dollars…”that doesn’t even pay for your meal in the airport before leaving for Africa, Ander”…But it wasn’t about the money….It was about that come apart I had had just forty-five minutes earlier when I literally said to God…”YOU HAVE LOST YOUR MIND. Why would you call me to go somewhere and then I not have the funds to go?!!!”…..to which He responded with a check that I have no idea what it is for. He responded and my soul said “oh…I’ll trust you, Jesus”.

It’s funny how God works….this whole story is like I am the girl off “12 Dates of Christmas” who keeps reliving the same day over and over. (If you haven’t seen that movie, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?) I’ve had this exact story happen to me before. I was in a PANICKED situation with only two weeks left to pay for my third trip to Costa Rica. I was like 800 dollars short. Again, my mind was frustrated that God would call me to something and not provide…which lead me to question if I even heard God correctly in the first place. It was freezing in Troy on this particular day. I had gone on campus for some reason or another for just a quick second. & then I ran into God. Okay, not actually God, but God’s fingerprints and doings. An old man stood in the cold and pulled an envelope out of his brown leather bag as I approached him. He gave it to me with a “God Bless You”. I said thank you and kept going not really thinking about what it was. When I got to my car, I opened it…..it was a letter telling me Jesus loved me…and an old five dollar bill. **Insert Ander’s heart taking a literal breath and chill-axing**

2 days. Different settings, same story. Different trips, SAME GOD. (HE IS CONSTANT, AMEN?!)

I say all of that to say this……fear is inevitable on this side of heaven. Yall, I am scared to go and I am scared of money issues & I am sure I will have another meltdown about money before I get on that plane….but the fact of the matter is…I WILL GET ON THAT PLANE. Not because I’m some fundraising guru, but because GOD ORDAINED IT! Because GOD CALLED ME TO IT.

& so if you heard God’s voice telling you to do something….do it….& if you are doing it & it seems like NONE OF IT IS GOING RIGHT…THAT THERE IS FEAR AND THERE IS ANXIETY AND THERE IS QUESTIONING AND THERE IS DOUBT….rest in the fact that what God ordains..WILL happen…it will come to fruition. It will come because Jesus hung on the cross and said “It is finished”. God will blow your mind with how it works out so that ONLY HE can get the glory. So let me say this…..He gets the glory for this summer. Because none of this is me.

At Highlands today, I heard the most beautiful Palm Sunday illustration of this….

As Jesus entered the town, the crowd laid their clothing and palm branches down for Jesus to enter on. Like a red carpet of sorts. And that’s just it…..They had to lay it down so he could have a place to enter on. We have to lay down our branches….Lay down our worries and our anxieties and our fears and our stress and our pain so that Jesus can walk there…so that Jesus can come to me. So that Jesus can have room to be with me!

So…..my fear both of this summer and my fear of lack of funds are now laid at your feet, Jesus. They are laid down and ready for you to walk on and come to and blow my mind. This heart, this trip is yours.

“Many people spread their cloaks on the road, while others spread branches they had cut in the fields. Those who went ahead and those who followed shouted,

“Hosanna!”

“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!”

“Blessed is the coming kingdom of our father David!”

“Hosanna in the highest heaven!”

Mark 11:8-10

-Much love,

Ander

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Healing for Africa?…OMG HOW VAIN!

I’M GOING TO AFRICA FOR THE SUMMER! I have the amazing opportunity to work alongside Four Corners Ministries as an intern in Uganda all summer! (If this was a Lizzie McGuire episode, the cartoon me would be standing with her mouth open and the thought bubble “WOW GOD!!” above me). I can’t even wrap my mind around it! I’LL BE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD!!! This small town girl…SAY WHAT??! But wow, God is good….and somewhat crazy. So I titled this blog “Healing for Africa”….and I know…you’re probably thinking…’wow, how vain of her to think she is going to go over to Africa and just be the greatest gift and solve all their problems and be their total healing’…let me be the first to tell you…I’M NOT…nothing will be of any good this summer except the Lord through me. But I did choose this title very intentionally….

This past December, I found myself in a hospital bed with wires coming off of me from everywhere. I felt more like a surge protector with a thousand things plugged into me rather than a person. I found myself repulsed by light or noise or movement. I found myself terrified as doctors threw around words like brain clots, blood clots, and aneurisms. I found myself weak…both physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

But let me not haste this post, (PS. if you aren’t one for lots of words…I’M SORRY). Last May I found myself living what I thought was PERFECTION. I had just received a job offer from the most amazing school on the planet (seriously), my best friends Betsey and Morgan were in my town, I was getting to move to Auburn, my family was rocking along, and most of all, I was dating a boy that I thought hung the stars (the moon is reserved for my daddy…he hung it…can you say daddy’s girl????). Life was GREAT! Seriously. I thought that this was it. This is what my life would look like, and I looked at it and I was happy…I was glad. It was a good life. My version of the BEST life.

*INSERT THE MONTH OF JULY* It was like war broke out. There was stress on my family with things changing, there was stress for trying to somewhat figure out how to begin my first year of teaching, there was the fact that my friends were miles away from me, there was an empty trailer that I was trying to make become a home, and worst of all….there was a day where my heart and everything I had my hopes in, was gone…aka my heart got broken…aka BREAK UP.

Can I be real honest….Can I tell you that last semester was the hardest few months of my life…The most lonely…The most moments of worthlessness, of giving up, of pain…there were more tears shed then than I think it would take to drown an elephant. In trying to find words to describe just those times, the word that constantly comes up is darkness….total darkness. I felt so lost…as if I was underwater and I had lost my bearings and didn’t know what way was up. For a while I tried to find up, and then when the waves kept violently thrashing my heart around, I just gave up all together. I just let the darkness drown me out. GOOD THING I SERVE A GOD THAT SAYS “NO WAY JOSE”.

For several months leading up to Thanksgiving break, I had been telling my mom that I was just exhausted. That I knew I was busting my tail at my job, but that something was just off. I was way too tired for how I should have been. I was so worried about myself that I even scheduled bloodwork for when I was off for Thanksgiving break….here’s a little Ander 101…I DO NOT DO NEEDLES! OH MY NO! They are from Satan himself, I am sure. So for me to willingly, without my mom threatening me in her mom voice, say I needed to have bloodwork done, my parents knew something was off. So the first day of my Thanksgiving break, I had the bloodwork….funny thing…I would be back in that office in less than 24 hours due to intense pain in my head. Within the next week, I would see a neurologist, get shots, get crazy amounts of pills to take, and somehow walk like a zombie through the Thanksgiving break with my family. (Don’t ask me anything about the big football games this year…Auburn vs. Alabama, FSU vs. Florida, or Mississippi State vs. Ole Miss…cause I can’t tell you a thing…physically there, but SOOO not there mentally…and yes, I say that because it’s like a sin to not be able recall every play of those games in the South.)

The next Monday morning I would find myself unable to form words in response to my mother on the phone, which led to my mother coming to the rescue, and the next morning I would find myself with a hospital band placed around my wrist and a room with my name on it. I can’t tell you much else about that time because I honestly don’t remember, which I am forever thankful to God for because from what my parents said, it was a lot of tears and pain. I found myself there for days and then found myself confined to the couch at my house for a month. Because of the swelling of my brain and inflammation, I lost my ability to walk. Here I was, a girl who spends her days being momma, nurse, counselor, shoulder to cry on, juice opener, teacher, and friend to 90 kids and I couldn’t even make it to the bathroom by myself. ** I want to take a minute and put in here that thinking about all of this again leaves me with tears running down my face at the complete blessing that my parents were and are to me. They showed me so much of Christ’s sacrificial, selfless love in these weak moments and I could never tell them thank you enough**

I cannot possibly put into words the emotional wreckage I was dealing with. Of being so helpless. But hey…when you hit bottom and you are terrified beyond belief…sometimes that’s the only way God can get your attention. AND HE GOT MINE.

*Jumping back* A few summers ago, summer of 2014, I had just come back from my second international mission trip and I found myself at New Camp. (Heaven is going to be something like this place….it’s one of a kind.) It’s the youth camp that my church, Bethany Baptist, has been attending for years. I found that whole week that I was having this conversation and sometimes battle with God about things I knew he was calling me to do…AKA mission work. I didn’t know what he meant by it, I just knew he had called me to some form of it. So with sweaty palms, a racing heart, and a completely terrified soul I stood infront of my youth group and told them God had placed this calling on my life and I was telling them because I was terrified and if I didn’t tell them, I might let myself slip out. Can I tell you that I would have….Had I not had every comfort, every thing my hope had been in, ripped away from me last July I would have let this calling fade away. But God is a jealous God. He is a God that won’t let me settle for anything less than the plans He has for me. & while all the things I had, the boy, the friends close, the comforts, were blessings….I would have so easily allowed them to become something I hid behind. Because they were comfortable. But God tosses comfort to the wind and says “follow me and I’ll blow your mind”.

So last semester, Africa, a place that I had sat in a small South Carolina cafe a few years back and told my family and grandparents I would one day go to which they panicked (God brought them around in his timing), began to pop up EVERY WHERE. In random books I read, in random conversations I had, in things my kids would say, on social media, in stores…literally everywhere…and all last semester I fought it because honestly I WAS SCARED TO DEATH….I STILL AM.

**back to December**And then I found myself with wires everywhere….I found myself stuck on the couch with legs that didn’t work…I found myself in a ball crying in complete fear like I had never experienced before…& I told God “okay. I quit because I’m not strong enough. You are.” I told him that I was scared, but He had proven his pursuit of my heart was never-ending. And so I told God….God if you heal these legs of mine….these legs of mine will stand on African soil. These legs will take me to Africa. I promise.

And so…..no, I’m not the healing for Africa…only Jesus is….but I know one thing for sure, and that is Jesus healed me for Africa.