The last thing I want to be doing right now is writing this post. I absolutely do not want to let anyone in on this part of my life. I don’t want to be transparent, and I don’t want to write about the unknown.
But I have to. I was called to.
Waiting on the unknown. Isn’t that what scares all of us? Waiting on the unknown medical test results, waiting on the unknown of how ends will meet, waiting on the unknown job call, or like me…waiting on the unknown answer to getting into school…..
I haven’t wanted to let anyone in on this part of my journey…and I think it is actually the very thing that is holding me back. I’ve wanted it kept on the down low unless I get accepted. I don’t want anyone to know if I fail. And if I don’t fail, then I’ll let the world know. I’ll let the world in on my success. But until I knew I was successful, I wanted to keep it hush. I knew if I let you in on the unknown…….there was a chance I would publicly let people in on my rejection also….that terrifies me. But here it is…
Welcome to my unknown waiting. Welcome to either my success or my rejection.
I’m currently waiting on an email letting me know if I was accepted and chosen to be a part of Vanderbilt’s Masters in Child Studies program. A program that only accepts around twenty people a year. And I’m vying for one of those spots. It’s not an easy gig in the least. I’m not expecting to get in because I was so last minute…but still. Thinking about it makes me want to run to a trash can and then curl into a ball.
I’m scared. Not of not being able to go to school, but scared of the sheer thought of rejection. I’ve lived many days of my life under the control of rejection. Not wanting to rock the boat or stand out because I wanted to be accepted. Really it’s controlled me way more than I care to think about. So I’m scared….sometimes nauseous at the thought of opening an email from the Peabody School of Vanderbilt and reading that I was not chosen. My heart winces at that thought..
I’ve learned a lot over the past few weeks of being nervous and dreading writing this post….. I’ve learned that life is full of these waiting moments and life was meant to be shared with other humans. Good and bad. There was never meant to be a pretty paint of coat over our lives….we were made to be real…to strip off the paint….to let people see the crevices and the broken as well as the beautiful. I also know that my bad is never really bad. As much as I want this acceptance letter, I KNOW my God has a stellar plan for me. I know it’s perfect because he knows my heart perfectly. I know it’s a good one because he promises a good one. I know it’ll blow my mind because he has blown my mind a million times before. A wise friend told me that God doesn’t reject, he redirects.
So if you’re waiting on the unknown, keep waiting in faith. He’s got something good planned even if it’s not “door 1”.
This is me letting you in on my unknown and possibly my rejection……this is me stripping off the paint layer….here’s me letting you in…..I could be a Vanderbilt Commodore real soon, or I could not….I could be accepted, or I could not….there’s a lot of waiting on an unknown….
But I’ll trust my forever known….that my good, good Father has a good, good plan.
1. Go find someone and strip the paint off.
2. Trust his plan!!!